I lost a million pounds on Friday. Of course, the markets have been extremely volatile for months, but up until a few days ago, I had weathered them like a sneaky fox.

I was sure my latest trading idea, contrary to the recent sequence of market events, wouldn’t be “long and wrong”. But when the FTSE plunged three days in a row, I couldn’t cut my losses. I was swallowed up in a scene of bustling, chaotic activity. Everyone­ was shouting across the room, running up and down the floor, and attempting­ to assimilate the constant rumours­ and non-stop information. Then the FTSE dived to new lows – I ­panicked, messed up my execution, and turned what may have been only a fathomable £200,000 loss into a disastrous­ mess. It was as simple as not clicking on a mouse – I didn’t close the deal when I should have done.

Immediately, I ran to the toilet and burst into tears, overwhelmed by what had just happened. Here I was fulfilling all of those over-emotional “female trader” stereotypes that I had worked so hard to rise above. I felt scared, and trembled like I had been in a boxing match. I wasn’t the only one.

In the City, fear is everywhere. As we’re well into the ­second year of this financial crisis, not even the most ­foolish optimist at my bank can effectively hide their fears of small bonus payouts and job losses. You can smell fear on the Canary Wharf escalators; see it in colleagues’ eyes; hear it in the voice of someone who knows he is about to be laid off.

Other guys on the desk suffered similar losses because the market was sinking faster than the Titanic­, but mine was particularly disturbing­. Just last week, my boss announced that ­several more rounds of lay-offs were likely on our team. And after today’s performance, I felt like a not-so-sneaky fox sniffed out by HR dogs. Of course, I don’t have a family to support like some of the other guys on the floor, but I’m scared, especially when I look around and half my friends in the City – smart, capable bankers – are out of work.

It’s only human to make mistakes. But when the City is swarming with PhDs, sophisticated financial wizards and Oxbridge eggheads looking for work, you’d be crazy if you still felt the feathery, fuzzy warmth that is job security.

You can get away with a lot of bulls*** in banking, that’s for sure. But when the recession is deepening at the rate it is now, losing £1m is not among that lot.