As a City Girl, well tuned into my City Swirl, news travels fast. My Lehman friends, or shall I say, ex-Lehman, gave me the scoop last week on the guy currently holding the “Biggest Dick in the City” title, CEO Dick Fuld. He was seeing a therapist, they confided, to deal with the guilt of sinking his Titanic-sized firm. And as the mole of the Mile I felt dutiful obligation to find and seek what this doctor had to order. So I slipped the shrink a £20 to hand me over a copy of their tape-recorded session. Here’s what I heard:

Doctor: Mr. Fuld - I see you have a black eye! Sure a psychiatrist is the kind of doctor you need?

Fuld: A Sales-Trader clobbered me. He blames me for the blow-up.

Doctor: You drove your firm – your “baby” – into bankruptcy.

Fuld: No I didn’t!

Doctor: Denial – the first phase of bereavement.

Fuld: It’s not too late, you know. If we could grab some of that $700 billion …

Doctor: Spare me the details; I can’t turn a page anywhere without reading about this horrendous cock up. Even that free paper all over the Tube that turns your hands black had a story on it. But hey - everyone makes mistakes.

Fuld: Really?

Doctor: Actually, no. Yours was brutal. But did you come here for some therapy or the truth?

Fuld: You little schmuck! You want to tell ME the truth!? I worked my way up that company for 30 years! (Throws coffee cup against the wall.)

Doctor: They don’t call you “The Gorilla” for nothing. Why don’t you go back to the real jungle where you belong?

Fuld: How about because I’m paying you £400/hr to sit on your couch.

Doctor: I’ve thought about that... and… it’s not enough. I’m at my wits end here, Dick. My taxes will triple to as a result of this gargantuan bailout, my children’s education fund (held in “stable” financial stocks) is wiped out, and furthermore, any taxes that would have gone to fix the dilapidated state schools are now earmarked for your mess. I’m sorry - it’s now £2400/hr.

Fuld: I’ll hold out for a better price. Surely some other shrink will take me on.

Doctor: And just where did that attitude get you last time? Holding out for a better price is not healthy when what’s underlying is so toxic.

Fuld: Toxic is a subjective word.

Doctor: Do you want some objective words? Fraud. Derelict employees. Making half a billion dollars over 15 years only to drive a company into the ground. My diagnosis - Pathologically Greedy Personality Disorder.

Fuld: You’re right. The people trusted me with an important position and I let them down.

Doctor: That’s quite the understatement.

Fuld: But I have a good heart.

Doctor: My golden retriever “Spanky” has a good heart, that doesn’t make him qualified to run one of the world’s largest investment banks.